As a trauma-focused therapist, I have heard some of the most devastating stories of suffering that survivors of emotional, sexual, and physical trauma have had to endure. Embedded in these experiences, are also some of the bravest and most powerful narratives of resilience one can imagine. But, the work that it takes to get there can be a long and cumbersome path. Across the clients I have worked with over my years of practice, the question of forgiveness of the perpetrator of abuse or assault often rears its head in the therapy room, and when this happens, I often find that emotion fills the room instantly.
If you’re wondering why, take a moment to process what feeling comes up for you, at the thought of forgiving someone who has hurt or betrayed you. For many, (me included) the thought of forgiveness brings up almost an instant gut reaction of shock and outrage, and triggers a chain of reactions such as anger, disbelief, or injustice. To complicate this further, what forgiveness means can be interpreted in various ways, so the personal meaning ascribed to forgiveness is important to understand.
When my clients share these deeply personal and vulnerable feelings with me based on their experiences of trauma, I often find myself mirroring some of those angry/outrage feelings in the therapy room. I don’t think it’s uncommon to feel this, due to the sheer visceral quality of how traumatic responses tend to be experienced. So, when the inevitable question of “Doc, should I forgive?” comes up during the course of therapy, I find I have to draw a deep breath in and think about how I’m going to answer this in a way that does not take my feelings into account, but only focuses on what my client needs.
Why Forgiveness is Dated yet Current
Before I get to how I respond to this question, let me take a short side trip here to provide some context about why forgiveness tends to be such a central theme in survivor narratives. Forgiveness broadly as a concept has its roots in culture and religion. For instance, forgiving others and being forgiven is an important teaching in several religions, and may be seen as a path to a good life. In eastern societies or collectivist cultures, harmony and peace in relationships can be an important reason to forgive interpersonal wrongdoings. In many ways, forgiveness can keep communities together and can sustain the longevity of families for generations. When it comes to trauma, forgiveness may also be viewed as a merciful act, which is seen as providing a sense of “closure” eventually to both the aggressor and the victimized.
Now, while it’s clear that forgiveness has roots in early religious practices and beliefs, it has also become a rather popular and widely studied concept, and the literature points to numerous health benefits of forgiveness. That is quite an impressive transition, from philosophy and religion to health and wellness. To me one of the key takeaways from this body of work, is the negative impact of resentment and anger or holding a “grudge” so to speak can have on an individual. It can’t be healthy to carry around intense bitterness, can it? In the trauma research world, anger may be extended to the “fight, freeze, or flight” reactions, which can have a distressing physical and emotional impact on an already stressed system.
Navigating the Choice to Forgive
Having briefly highlighted the value of forgiveness, let’s go back to that question of “Doc, should I forgive?” When I hear this question, I often hear a few other things along with it.
- A lurking feeling of guilt, almost as though it is the “right thing to do” or one would be a “bad person” if you chose not to forgive. I almost hear my superego and conscience saying, “Now that’s not very nice, is it?”
- Hope lives eternal. Many hope that if they forgive, the pain of what they have experienced might no longer have power over them.
- Forgiveness will help to let go of anger and resentment, which can then lessen the intensity of pain and suffering.
To me, it is this juncture in the therapy journey that is one of the most vulnerable parts of a survivor’s journey and healing process. It is ultimately their choice to forgive or not forgive someone who has harmed them, and making that choice has to be separated from the sometimes messy sense of “I should forgive, because I’m supposed to.” Forgiveness in the smallest of ways is visibly ingrained in our communities and we are often expected to “accommodate” ourselves to almost any circumstance, that we instantly question ourselves about whether we are being unfair or bad or wrong by choosing not to forgive.
My Answer on Forgiveness
So, is forgiving a perpetrator of abuse good or bad?
My thesis here is that forgiveness in this context does not have to be an integral component of post-trauma growth and recovery. If it is something that you need to connect with, then by all means, we move in that direction. As a therapist typically does, I answer this question from my clients, with a question of my own. So, in response I ask, “What would it mean for you, if you did or did not forgive?” Exploring both sides in all it’s depth and complexity, helps to uncover some of the deeply embedded motives and beliefs around forgiveness that are present in our unique histories. My question is also tagged to my main concern, which is the well-being of my clients.
I’m interested in whether survivors are motivated by forgiveness to restore the relationship, to let go of rage, to feel more in control, to minimize the “largeness” of what happened to them, or to feel a sense of closure to what they experienced (all of these have come up in therapy as significant themes). Others choose not to forgive because it means discounting what happened, or the abuser becomes less relevant in the process of healing, and the survivor focuses more on their own agency and power. Once we know what motivates the need to forgive (or not), then we can make meaning of how that fits into one’s process of recovery.
That said, it is a long path to truly decide which side of forgiveness you are on, and it is common to go back and forth, or be on both sides at different times. This is because, as with most complex human reactions, forgiving a perpetrator is an equally dynamic process. Asking questions of my clients before they consider making their choice often help to gain some clarity:
- How are you defining forgiveness within this context and can that definition be integrated into how you make sense of what happened
- What are the the emotional implications (pros and cons) of forgiveness when it comes to your own well-being
- How will forgiveness aid or delay your recovery process (e.g., what does it feel like in your body when you think about forgiveness)
- Are you rushing into forgiveness or has this emerged over time during the healing journey
Whether you decide to forgive or not, remember that careful reflection and emotional self-awareness in a supportive environment can hold the key to powerful personal growth and resilience.
(Originally published on Medium. Follow Dr. Divya Kannan on medium.)